


Losing It All

by leithvoid



Category: British Actor RPF, Rocketman (2019), Rocketman (2019) RPF
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-07-25
Packaged: 2020-07-19 18:10:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19978336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leithvoid/pseuds/leithvoid
Summary: Taron's been having nightmares since Cannes, Richard hasn't seen him since they started and now they deal with it together.





	Losing It All

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by Taron admitting he has nightmares often about losing everything he's worked for, while at ace con.

It was no surprise that Taron’s career had started off with a boom, and he’d always felt well deserving of everything he’d worked for. With the success of his most recent film Rocketman and his upcoming project The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance, life was looking pretty good. But good things as always accompanied by the bad and for most people in the spotlight they didn’t outwardly show the bad they were dealing with.

The first Cannes Festival Taron had ever attended was one of the most memorable times the bad really sat within him. He’d experienced anxiety before, at every single premiere he’d been to, but Cannes was the worst he’d ever felt it. He was quite aware of how his anxiety would present and the people he was surrounded by; Richard, Dexter and Bryce, were also aware. 

Everyone had their own way to deal with their anxiety, but for reasons made obvious there was a lot more pressure Taron felt for this premiere. He was told by outside sources that this was the peak of his career, and that the over a year’s work he’d put into this film might be the be all and end all of his job. With a side of Elton John seeing the movie for the first time too; Taron felt the pressure, physically. 

It was the first time that he’d really thought his whole life might be over, if this movie wasn’t well received by the crowd or Elton. As they (Richard, Dexter and Bryce) where in the car on the way to the carpet Taron struggled not to fume at his suit. ‘This fucking thing won’t do up,’ he said through gritted teeth, he fought for submition from the button on his blazer.

Soft hands wrapped around his struggling one, he looked up through his brow with fury in his eyes. A small sense of calmness washed over Taron as he connected with Richard’s blue eyes, they were defenseless and understanding. ‘Let me help you T, here,’ Richard slowly moved Taron’s hand and fastened the button with ease. Richard smiled but it wasn’t board and proud it was small and comforting, or that’s what he was aiming for Taron assumed.

‘Thanks,’ Taron said, crossing his arms and turning to face the window; away from Richard. He would deal with his self-pity alone.  _ It was just a fucking button, why couldn’t you do it yourself.  _ Taron shunned himself. 

It was easy for everyone else to seem so calm because they had all had eyes on them for years, Richard with Game of Thrones and Bryce with being her father’s daughter. His anxiety made him irritable, he didn’t want to be here in a small car in this velvet suit. His leg bounced as they arrived at the carpet, he saw all the people and took a sharp breath. 

‘It’s just like any other carpet.’ Richard’s voice broke his fixation on existential fear. Taron’s eyes flickered from the hundred’s of people surrounding the carpet and looked too Richard, Taron’s hand found Richard’s within seconds. ‘You’ve got this T.’ Richard smiled and Taron felt Rich’s arms wrap around him for a quick hug before the doors to the car slid open. The screaming flooded into the small unit and then he was outside in the warm air of Cannes. 

Dexter walked next to Taron for most of the carpet, apart for the few times that it was Richard beside him. After about ten minutes on the carpet Taron lost focus of the anxiety and frustration and just enjoyed himself with his cast mates. Joking and laughing while they got their photos taken, Taron was able to disconnect quiet easily once he was the center of attention in a setting like this.

After all of the premieres he’s attended, around the world, and all of the press he’d done with Dexter he was able to handle himself somewhat better. He’s frustration didn’t show up in such an aggressive manner like it had at Cannes. There wasn’t as much pressure sitting on his shoulders either. When they made it to the last premiere, which took place in London, Taron was finally reunited with Richard. 

Even though they both lived in this city, Richard asked if they could be placed in a hotel together the night before the premiere. Taron knew that he was going to have to finally face Richard, and the growing concern that he’d had since they parted ways in France. Over the course of the press junket, Taron was getting less and less sleep — which made him look not all that good (thank God for makeup). 

It was no shock that Richard was worried and Taron understood why he was. He just hoped he’d been able to avoid the whole conversation, even if it was inevitable. The two where checked into the hotel by their agents and chauffeured to their room by security. Once Taron closed the door the silence started to sink into his body. It was like he’d not heard silence in years. He liked it, he moved around the room as quiet as possible just enjoying the quietness of the space around him.

Though his heart was racing, waiting for the moment he would feel Richard’s body close to him. The anticipation of the situation was killing him, he shed his jacket hanging it over the top of his suitcase. ‘T,’ Richard said, his voice quieter than usual. It didn’t intrigue Taron because he was sure that Richard knew he was enjoying how quiet the world was right now for him. But it did feel careful. 

Richard was very good at being not too much when Taron was finding it hard to get his bearings. That is probably one of the things he loved most about him, Richard just knew how to be around Taron. Taron only hoped he gave Richard the same thing. ‘T?’ Richard questioning now, Taron blinked a couple times, getting out of his own thoughts. 

He hummed in response ‘Mm?’, he looked over his shoulder at Richard. Richard was sitting in one of the dark faux leather chairs that was placed by the window of their room, he wore tight black jeans and a white t-shirt with a beige jacket — he was a simple man and looked beautiful doing it. His blue eyes caught Taron’s, and for a moment Taron wanted to get lost in the ocean.

‘Talk to me.’ Taron moved over to where Richard was sitting and took up residence in the chair opposite to Richard’s. Taron adjusted the hood of his jumper, and kicked off his sneakers. ‘Please,’ Richard urged. Taron could feel the worry Richard was feeling just from the sound of his voice. 

‘What do you want me to say?’ Taron asked, shrugging, not really sure what Richard wanted to hear. Taron knew what he wanted to talk about but he wasn’t sure where to begin or how to talk about it, he didn’t know enough himself to know what to say.

‘I don’t know T, I’m just worried about you. You look exhausted love, and I just want you to be okay.’ Richard confessed. Richard leaned forward in his chair, he reached a hand out to place on Taron’s knee.

Taron sighed ‘I know you are Rich, I just can’t really tell you anything else than I have.’ He placed his smaller hand over Richard’s and smiled trying to reassure him that it was going to be okay. ‘I am worried about something though,’ Taron continued, he looked out the window. He peered down onto the busy streets of London, his second home. It was still light outside, but he knew not for long. 

‘What is it love?’ Richard asked, lifting an eyebrow out of habit. He leaned back in the chair and followed Taron’s gaze out the window, he wasn’t very adamant about being cooped up in this room all day but he also knew it needed to be this way.

‘I don’t want to scare you…’ Taron avoided Richard’s eyes as he trailed off at the end. His nightmares may not have been the worst, but he also knew that he didn’t just toss and turn. There was a night when he was in Australia where Dexter woke him up, saying he could hear Taron through the walls of the hotel, Taron had never felt so ashamed of himself. Dex comforted him and said it was okay, but Taron knew  _ he _ wasn’t okay.

He’d not had time to see a doctor about them, he was hoping his agent would be able to find him one while he was in London for a couple days. The nightmares started just after Cannes, not every night but every other night; Taron would cry out in his sleep. He’d dreamt of losing everything he’d worked for; some schandel or some text message getting out there, never being hired again, not being able to live comfortably again, not being able to support his family back home. All of the possible headlines, what people would say about him, the people he’d lose. 

It wasn’t uncommon in actors or anyone of the spotlight to have dreams like these, even if they have never done something to warrant the fear — but it was different for Taron. It didn’t stop happening after one night. It kept happening.

‘Why would you ever think I’d be scared of you T?’ Richard queried, Richard hadn’t witnessed Taron having a nightmare on any scale but he knew what they could be like. Taron just shrugged in response and looked down at his hands as he picked at the skin around his nails. Richard understood why Taron would be worried about scaring him, but there was a small part of him that hoped Taron might be more comfortable in his sleep if he was wrapped up in Richard’s arms. Comfortable and safe enough to not have those dreams.

‘Why don’t we get something to eat huh? I’ve not eaten since breakfast,’ Richard offered. Taron agreed, smiling at Richard.

After the two had dinner and spent some quality time together catching up and watching TV on the sofa in their room, Taron started to doze off. Richard was sitting with his back in the corner of the light suede sofa with his legs stretched the length of it. Taron was slotted in between Richard’s legs with his back against Richard’s torso. There was something so comforting to Taron being this close to Richard, all contact with Richard made him feel safe.

Taron’s head was resting on Richard’s chest, just under his chin, Richard’s arms wrapped around Taron’s midriff; one hand tangled with Taron’s. Richard could tell Taron was nodding off because he’d head kept slipping to the side and then Taron would come around and lift his head back up and then squeeze Richard’s hand. ‘T, babe, you need to let yourself sleep,’ Richard whispered to Taron, pulling his hand from around him and running it through T’s soft brown hair.

Taron groaned in disagreeance and shook his head, Richard sighed. ‘Shower?’ Taron’s accent was thick from the fatigue he was feeling. Richard smiled and kissed Taron’s head.

‘Yeah, we can have a shower. Maybe it will help calm your down a little,’ Richard prompted, he didn’t want to sound like he was pushing Taron to sleep. But he knew if he didn’t at least try, tomorrow wasn’t going to be fun. Taron stood up and waited for Richard to join him and slipped his hand easily into the taller man’s.

He walked side by side with Richard to the bathroom and let Richard turn on the shower and help undress him. He wasn’t fully awake, so everything seemed very fuzzy around him. Richard stepped into the shower first, not dropping Taron’s needy hand. When Taron was tired there was a part of him that needed to be held, to have the comfort of security. Richard didn’t mind it, but it was the worst when he couldn’t be with Taron. He liked to feel needed, like he was worth something to someone.

Taron stepped in, following Richard, and found him under the water. He leaned into Richard as the warm water ran over his skin, Richard’s hands massaged Taron’s back, his head resting on Richard’s chest. He was trying to help Taron relax by making small pressured circles on his lower back, and it was working. ‘Don’t fall asleep here bub,’ Richard hummed as he noticed Taron’s eyes where only half open. 

‘Won’t,’ Taron replied, as he nesseled the side of his face into Richard’s chest. Richard knew there wasn’t going to be any cleaning happening in this shower tonight but he didn’t mind. He just hoped that it would help calm Taron’s mind enough for the intrusive thoughts to not find him in his sleep tonight.

Taron crawled into bed after drying himself and getting into a pair of grey sweatpants. He pulled the blanket out from under the pillows and shuffled under them, grabbing a pillow and wrapped his arms around it. ‘You know I’m here right?’ Richard chuckled as he approached the bed, wearing a white t-shirt and black boxers. 

Taron looked over his shoulder and frowned ‘I can’t cuddle a pillow because you’re here?’ He asked, pulling the pillow closer to his body.

‘Of course you can, I just thought you’d want to cuddle me,’ Richard said as he pulled the blankets down on his side of the bed and slipped under. He discarded a pillow, throwing it to the floor. Hotel pillows where too fluffy for his liking, but he knew to request a flat pillow now and it was usually the bottom pillow on the bed.

Taron rolled over, still hugging the pillow and looked at Richard with big tired doe eyes, ‘but mister pillow will be sad if I leave him.’ Richard laid down and slipped an arm under Taron’s head and angled himself so he was able to look at his boyfriend without having to lay on his side. 

‘What about me though? I’ll be sad if you don’t want to cuddle me.’ Richard pouted. Taron frowned even more now, creases forming on his forehead. He shuffled closer to Richard and wrapped an arm around his clothed torso. The pillow was squashed between them and it made Richard smile without effort, he was so precious when he was tired. ‘Can I turn off the light?’ He asked gently. 

Taron nodded, Richard stretched his other arm out to turn off the light beside the bed. Taron squeezed his arm around Richard’s waist like he was making sure Richard didn’t slip away from him. Once the light went out Taron panicked for a moment, his adrenalin starting to pick up, then Richard was back and close to him. Taron made needing noises as he settled into his perfect spot in Richard’s side.

Richard let his eyes adjust to the darkness and waited until Taron’s eyes finally closed and then he let himself drift off to sleep, though not fully because there was some part of him that kept him conscious enough to react to Taron’s possible tells of an oncoming nightmare. In Taron’s sleep he knitted his legs with Richard’s and the pillow found its own way out from between them.

-three hours later-

Taron started to stir in his sleep, turning over and away from Richard. Richard felt him move in his sleep and tried not to think too much of it. Taron didn’t move for the next half an hour, some hope finding peace inside Richard that he was just turning over. But shortly after that his hope was snuffed as Taron started to whine, Richard opened his eyes and looked over to Taron. Taron was curled in on himself, knees pulled up to his chest. Richard could feel a cold sweat starting to form on Taron’s back. 

Taron whined again, a little more grit to it this time and he rolled over again to face Richard. Richard wasn’t sure if it was going to pass or not and he didn’t want to wake Taron in case it would pass; he didn’t want to waste it sleeping time. Taron mouth was closed tight and his face was scrunched up, he looked like he was in pain. What triggered Richard to think about waking Taron up was when he started to shake, though it wasn’t much of a shake it was enough to worry him. ‘No, p-please,’ Taron stuttered in his sleep. 

Richard sat up, slowly pulling his arm from under Taron out so he was able to lean on it. He placed his free hand gingerly on Taron’s bare shoulder, he was so cold, and rocked him slowly ‘Taron, wake up,’ he repeated this a couple of times, his voice growing louder each time. He didn’t want to startle Taron awake and add to the fear of the nightmare.

Taron woke, sucking in a big lung full of air, eyes wide with fear and almost hitting head with Richard and he sat up. ‘It’s okay T, I’m right here,’ Taron heard Richard’s voice, though it sounded quiet and distant. Richard’s hand found Taron’s lower back and gently placed his hand on the cool skin, he slowly made circles with this thumb trying to calm him.

‘Light,’ Taron’s voice cracked the silence of the dark room. Taron was still shivering but Richard listened to him, reaching back behind him to the wall and turning the light on. They both squinted their eyes to combat the new light that flooded the room. Richard sat up fully now and moved down the bed slightly so he was closer to Taron. 

‘Can I get you anything?’ He asked, voice still low hoping it’s less jarring to Taron. Taron didn’t say anything but he turned to Richard and moved toward him, Richard could see the sweat on Taron’s body. Richard separated his legs and let Taron place himself against his body. ‘It’s okay T.’ Richard tried to reassure him. 

Richard’s arm curled around Taron’s back like he was cradling him, holding him close. While his other hand pushed the short hair from his forehead, Taron’s eyes were closed and he took deep breaths. Richard kissed his temple a couple of times, he rocked them back and forth slowly. ‘I’m sorry,’ Taron finally said, after they’d been sitting there for some time.

Richard shook his head ‘There is no need to apologise bub, it’s not your fault.’ Richard ran his fingers through Taron’s hair again and then cupped his cheek ‘I love you, and nothing can change that.’ His eyes never left Taron’s face. 

‘But—’ Taron finally looking up to meet Richard’s eyes.

‘No but’s, we can work through this together. I’m not going anywhere.’ Richard didn’t want Taron to doubt him, this was nothing to him. Everyone had their own demon’s and Richard wasn’t scared of Taron’s. Taron nestled his head under Richard’s chin and let out a breath that felt like relief.

‘Thank you,’ Taron’s voice was so quiet that Richard’s almost missed it. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so in love with this I could cry...


End file.
